Lately, I have been surrounded by loss; not only death. But faith, love, and hope.  And, when I look around me, my family and friends are struggling  just as much and even more.  It almost feels unfair and I find myself looking for false comforts to ease the pain.  That’s something that I do a lot, for instant; when I had my last miscarriage, I put all my energy in working out.  It was my way to downplay my pain and to make little of the situation.  I thought if I concentrate on eating better, going to the gym, and meditating; that it wouldn’t give me much time to grieve.  But, this recent situation that I’m in; I just wanted to feel everything. I want to feel the heartache; feel every tear that swells in my eye; every thump that pounds in my head; and every fear that I was scare to admit.  I didn’t want to numb my pain, just feel it.  And, once I felt everything; I wanted to use that energy to moving on and look forward to living.  Sometimes, I think we are so afraid to face our pain, when we already have the strength to conquer it.  Remember, no matter what your situation looks like and I know it’s ugly; it’s going to get easier.  The Lord will be your comforter and your strength.  I love you all and be encouraged.

Okay, so I’m talking to my good friend and we were talking about how sex changes everything in a relationship (for a woman that is).  Even if a woman is in a serious relationship or casual fling, you better believe that when sex is involved, some emotions will definitely start to brew.  I don’t even think it’s possible for a woman to have a “booty call”, because after three of them, suddenly that “booty call” becomes a big deal (or full blown love affair).  I really believe that we as women are just conditioned to want to make any relationship, serious.  For example if we date a man for over two years, we have to get marry; if we are getting along with a female associate for a couple of months, they have to become our best friend . And even though this is my truth, I know that most women share that insight.  I mean, what real woman wants to be only a man’s play toy or “booty call”; I’m worth much more than that (Every woman is worth more than that).  I know when I was dating, I had to mean something to whoever I was seeing, and I wanted them to see me as a vital part of their life.  When they thought of me, I wanted them to be reminded of someone that they cherished and didn’t want to live without; I didn’t want to be just another notch under their belt or just another girl.  I think it’s important for women to view themselves as someone special because if we don’t view ourselves that way, who will?  A man will treat a woman the way she allows him to; if she presents herself to be a “hoe”, then he will treat her like a disposable item.  But, if she presents herself as a lady that has respect for herself, he will follow her lead.  I often wonder would relationship be more profound without sex, could people make a relationship last with only an emotional connection?  Or maybe sex changes everything for the best? Let me know how you feeling about this one.

Okay, I’m inspired to write about the break up drama and the kids because of recent attention that has been drawn to this specific issue.  I mean, look at stories like Swizz Beatz and his ex- wife Mashonda.  Miss Mashonda has recently made claims that the producer turned rapper has failed to make child/spousal support payments, but manage to by his “rumored” fiancée, Alicia Keys a seven carat engagement ring.  That made me speculate, is she made at the fact that she wants her money, or the fact that he has moved on with someone she once inspired to be or that he is madly in love with someone other than herself (With Mashonda being a struggling singer looking for a break, often made references that she once admired Keys for her accomplishments before she had an affair with her then- husband, Swizz Beatz)?  Swizz has made a comment and produced papers that he is paying more than he was ordered by the court due to him knowing that the money that was ordered wasn’t enough for his ex- wife to do what she wants to do (sounds fair to me).  I know what you’re thinking, DRAMA.  So, now I propose a question; what’s the rule to dating after the divorce or break-up?  When do you bring your kids around the new mate?  Does your ex have the right to tell you who you can bring your kids around?  I have tons of opinions about this one, I just put my shoes in that situation, I mean how would I feel if my husband brought another woman around our son shortly after we broke up (or  months later, no matter the duration; I’m not having it!)?  I can’t lie, I would forbid it; I would probably be so bitter that our relationship didn’t work and now he wants to “play house” with some new chick around my son.  But, the unhealthy part is my reasoning………………. jealousy.  I think that’s why it’s so much tension between exes just because they haven’t gotten over the hurt of the demise of their relationship and the kids are easy ways to try to dictate and have some type of control in your ex-spouse’s life.  Look it makes sense, you can’t tell your ex they can’t move on, but yet you can voice your opinion about who they can bring around your children.  So, in your mind, you feel like you still have a little power even though the truth causes your emotions to be destroyed because you really have NO power or room in their personal life. 

Now, let’s look at the other side of the spectrum.  A part of me thinks that a man or woman does not have the right to question their ex on the people that they have around their children.  Now ladies, stay with me; I know you think I sold out.  But, personally if my husband and I divorced (I’m not saying I won’t be mad as hell or ready to kill him), I have not doubt in his judgment.  My husband is an exceptional father and I trust that he wouldn’t make a decision like that without my input.  I believe if you have open and honest communication with your ex and both come to the agreement that you both would only bring individuals around the children, who are respectful, kind, understanding, and not a child molester (Maryland Judicial Search is your friend!).  I think if more broken families took the mature approach instead of the “I hate that you moved one and I hate that you have fallen in love with someone else” and “I’m not happy, so you can’t be happy” attitude, then the kids would not have to go through so much drama; when all they deserve are two loving parents.  Let me know how you feeling on this one.

P.S.  And Swizz & Mashonda, handle your business please!  People, this is the prime example; no matter what your social status is, you are not immune to the troubles that all of us have to go through.

Okay, well it looks like Bet (Black Entertainment Television) has banned Ciara’s new video for her single, “Ride”.  Even though I understand their reasoning (I mean do we want to show our young ladies/teens how to glorify sexual positions), but it’s a contradiction.  BET plays music video that glorifies sex, drugs, and money all the time; but they refuse to premiere Ms. Ci Ci video because she flaunts her “sexual skills”(And if I could blunt, d**k riding skills”), and shakes her “money maker”, the network will not support her music.  But, Ms. Beyonce can grind on one of her more recent efforts, “Video Phone” and make sexual references like bending over her with her butt facing he dancer’s manhood, is that not making a sexual reference or illusion?  Of course it is, but why is Ciara’s video being banned and not Beyonce’s.  My thing is if you won’t support one, don’t support any of them.  No purpose or justice is served in being role models for our youth and teen community when showing music videos who makes materials possessions, violence, and money the priority.  If BET want to uphold a standard, that’s great; but throw away all the garbage.

Okay, so I’m having this interesting conversation with my good friend and of course love came up!  So, the topic was trust in a relationship, but not the “trust” that threatens most relationships.  We wasn’t talking about the “stalking your every move; looking through your cell phone; calling back unknown numbers; or accusing you of wanting the grocery clerk because you was staring to long and hard” kind of trust.  We were talking about the trust that knowing the one that you are with will always love you unconditionally.  The kind of trust that you don’t have to question if your spouse wants you.  The kind of trust that you believe without a shadow of any doubt that your partner will love and stick by you no matter what happens or mistakes you make.  So, when she asked me the question; I realized that my definition of love didn’t include that kind of trust…………I’ll explain.

See, I was raised to never trust anyone(or just had enough bad relationships); that the closest person to you is capable of betraying you.  I also believed that there was no one out their, who would love me beyond and pass  my own personal struggles.  I mean, what man in his right mind would keep loving me with all the things that I have done or when I consistently pushed him away.  It’s not like I meant to push him away, in my own twisted mind, I was testing him.  I figured if I kept giving him reason to leave, that eventually he would show his true colors and leave; proving to me that he never loved me or he didn’t have what it took to be around and stay around.  And unfair as this was; there was one who endured that harsh reality and today we are married, together for ten years. 

So, admitting my struggle to trust made me questioned was it possible to truly love someone with a severe lack of trust and I came up with………………… yes.  You can be capable of loving someone, but the guard that you put up definitely strains the relationship.  That fact that your heart won’t totally be acceptable to their love and totally opened to your partner is naturally bounded to weaken the relationship (or even ruin it and then you let the good one get away); but I do believe if that person really loves you, that they will endure the fight.  That they could find the patience and strength to keep loving you pass all your baggage and willing to stay there until it has shed.

Please continue to send your questions and I will do my best to answer each and every one of them.  God Bless.

If you are wondering about what happened to Hilary Banks!  On tv, we knew her as the privileged airhead, but in real life, that is contrary to the truth.  Karyn Parsons- Rockwell is a wife and mother of two and is on a mission!  She is trying to sent the message out about society evolving and her family defines this movement.  I’m going to give you a quick history lesson!  In recent American history, it was illegal in many parts of the country for white people to marry or have intimate relationships with people of African decent, Asians, and Native Americans.  And, although things have changed considerably, we are not in a world that totally accept this truth.  So, the Rockwell family wanted to show the world firsthand on just how much society is evolving.   That love knows no boundaries, color, or race……..just hearts! I love this Hilary! And I wanted to pass something on  that’s not only educational, but inspirational.

I’m more than saddened about the tragic death of Melanie Hamber.  If you don’t know who this is, this was the baby girl who was killed by her father, Tyrone Hamber  in Baltimore , Md. a few days ago.  The exact cause of death has not been announced yet, the father was initially charged with child abuse until the result of her autopsy showed additional injuries and now he has been charged with murder.  Initially, Tyrone Hamber claimed he found the young girl on the bathroom floor unresponsive.  Then, later while in jail; he admitted that he beat her with a belt.  My breath was taken and I still won’t allow my head to wrap around what has transpired.  I know if it is hitting me in my heart this hard, and as a mother (but a human being first), my heart bleeds for her mother.  Our prayers are with the family.

Please feel free to leave messages of love to our angel, Melanie Hamber .  I express myself with poetry, so this is for the family……………………………………..

If Only I Could

There is not one word that could touch the pain that you feel

Or any embrace could wrap around the disappointment that your heart knows

No amount of time would allow your soul to even began to heal

No touch would be gentle enough to fed your fragile emotions

Or ease the sorrow that consumes you

There is not enough truth that could make this tragedy real

But today, I can only extend all the love in my heart

In hope that it can ease what my words, embrace, and time can’t touch

Written By: Danielle Kinsey